Happiness

Things have been going good lately. Aubrey lost her first tooth, so that was very exciting. Derek and I have discussed that we allow Jessica's crap affect our relationship too much. Another thing that I have noticed is when he is working at Waffle House we are not affectionate with each other those days. I try to still be sweet to him because I know how much he dislikes goign to that place. I woke him up early with lunch (fish, pierogies, and tarter sauce) yesterday. Today I woke him up he took Aubrey back to Jessica and by the time he got back home I had a lunch packed for him and a sandwich waiting for him to eat so he wasn't hungry going to work. He even posted on Facebook how I packed 2 grannysmith apple applesauces in his lunch. His post read, "My wife packed two granny smith apple applesauces in my lunch. Thanks wife". I thought that was so sweet. I love you Derek Pounds! Peyton went swimming for the first time today. Really it was her in her bathing suit not going deeper thank her little baby hips. But she liked looking at her feet in the water, it was so awesome.

Quietness

I was under the assumption that Derek was ready to get married. He even said he was. Last night I asked him are you sure your ready to marry me? He hesitated for a long period, right yhen I started to hold my breath. Any hesitation means he isn't sure. Once he said yes, I told him the extreme hesitation scared me. His response was me too. We are now back to not getting married. I can't be mad because he was honest, but this hurts so bad. I don't even know why we are engaged anymore. We have been engaged for 2 1/2 years and he isn't sure about marrying me yet? Though he says he wants to, anytime it is brought up, he freaks and gets annoyed. Makes me wonder if we should even be engaged anymore?! Maybe we shouldn't be and when he is ready then he can actually propose. I don't know, I just truly feel as if no one will want to be with me forever, hell the person I've been with almost three years doesn't even want to be with me forever! :( At least he is a great father. I try to just lose myself in the baby so I don't have to think about it. It is really bugging me though.

Disrespect

I got Peyton's ears pierced today. She has little pink princess crowns. She did so well a lot better than Paige did, I was so proud of her! Unfortunatly Derek and I got into an arguement, He still talks down to me and it hurts because he should respect me more than that! It just hurts when the person you love, disrespects you. I even apologized and he talked as if I should have apologized first, he never feels he is wrong! I just want him to be respectful to me. I do love him.

To smile about

Watching Derek with Peyton, lets me know how truly amazing he is. I love to watch him with her, you can see how much he loves her. I fall in love with him more and more each day. He picked a wedding date as well. 5-5-2013. Cinco de Mayo, I think we can have some fun with the wedding favors. I should really be writing my paper but I had to write this instead. Things have just been good lately. I have also been making a giant effort to not get lous and yell or cuss if we get into little disagreements. I hope it is helping too. I want to spend the rest of my life with Derek. I'm starting to feel like he really wants that too.

:P

My baby had shots today, I felt so bad she cried really hard. But I love her so much. Her daddy came and got her so I could go to my Doctor's appointment. I love him so much, I'm glad we've been having really good days lately. I love when he puts his arms around me, I just feel so warm and safe, kind of like he would save me from anything. I love you Derek!

To change

This morning... well early afternoon, Derek took all the girls to Target. That allowed for me to get my homework in accounting done. It was so nice of him to do so, that I made it a point to have the dishes done before he got back. I also made the simply pasta salad stuff he wanted, and packed him a lunch for work. I just wanted to show him how much I love him. To be honest though it seems as if I'm always doing things to show him how much I love him, sometimes I wonder if he even feels the same or if he is just with me because I do everything for him. More of me says he is with me because he loves me, but a little part of my way down deep and far in the back thinks maybe I do too much for him. I know they are only little things but it is a lot of little things. Setting up the coffee pot each day washing all his clothes. Cleaning up all the dishes and things he leaves laying around. Packing him lunches, and then driving them to him when he forgets them everyday. Going to see him at work each day he is there, now that is as much for me and the girls as it is for him though, because i miss him like crazy and want the girls especially Peyton to have as much time with him as possible. Laying out his clothes for work, or even just his boxer and beater for him to take a shower and come to bed when he comes home. Like I said I know these are all little things but, a lot of little things add up right?! I dunno just kinda seems like he feels he is more important than I am, or just that he just doesn't care about what I have going on. Things that I do that upset Derek, he always tells me I need to change them. Or just in general "work on them". So tonight we had a difference of opinion, and not once in the phone calls did I get loud, yell, or anything. I did hang up the phone, but that was because I didn't want to yell, scream, or get into a huge fight. When he called back, I stayed quiet and listened to everything he had to say without interrupting. I want him to know that I love him so much that I am working on this stuff. I hate to jump around with topics, but I honestly still feel as if Derek is scared of getting married, and just doesn't want to do it again. Anytime I talk about maybe setting a new date and he kinda acts like he is on board but then after we talk about a few dates he then turns around and acts as if its too soon again. I don't know grr.

Ignorance

Have you ever asked somebody the question, where do you think you'll be in 2 years? Because I asked Derek that tonight, and his response was working at a good job, in a better house, and with me. But at the same time I wonder do you see yourself with me still stuck in the same place that were in right now? Not married just boyfriend & girlfriend because you're too scared to actually get married to me I'm not worthy enough for you to sign a piece of fucking paper! I don't understand how this relationship can be so one sided, and then he tells me that I'm always complaining about how I don't get certain things. Yeah I was supposed to get married last september to a person that I thought wanted to marry me but you decided that you'd rather cheat on me! Not only that but  5 months ago you went on dating website I was 5 months pregnant at that time how am I supposed to trust you anymore?

Unworthiness

How demeaning is it when the person you want to spend the rest of your life with tells you that they love you and want to marry you, but, they then follow that with I don't see why we can't do the whole ceremony thing and then just not sign the papers. Signing a paper isn't the whole point of getting married. Why is it so important to sign the papers. Well to be honest without signing those papers your not legally married, meaning, you cover yourself with your own insurance because we're not married you have to cover yourself. Oh when you fill out papers, yea you still mark the single box because your not legally married, because we're not legally married, if anything happens to one of us without a living will stating otherwise yea your parents or your family get to make all the decisions same goes for my family. Without being legally married my lastname and our girls' last names stay as they are. Not being legally married pretty much just gives you the right to walk around and continue to act as if your single because you didn't sign a fucking piece of paper. I'm not worthy enough for you to want to legally be married to me!? You say it's just a piece of paper, then whats so wrong with signing it if its not that important. Glad to know your unattractive, black hearted ex-wife was good enough for that stupid piece of paper but I'm not. I've been with you longer than you two were together, and 2 of the years you were still married you were fighting for the divorce and you were with me. If you want to do everything but the legality of it all we might as well just not even be engaged. Because we will never get married. You have made it completely clear that you do not want to be fully married to me, so when you say you do, or when you say you want to be with me forever... that's a bunch of bullshit! It sucks that I feel so strongly for someone who has on more than one occasion said that he is only in this relationship for the pussy! Your just rude and hurtful!

Helplessness

On June 12th 2012 I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl named Peyton Myranda. Though Derek and I have become parents together for this little one, our relationship still feels as if it's at a stand still. 3 years together and I'm still not good enough for him to marry me. Out of all the things I have to be truly greatful for I can't seem to get passed the fact that, he doesn't see me as his wife. Parts of me think I should give him back his ring and only accept it back when he actually has the intention of marrying me. Why do bad people and people unworthy of the miracle of marriage get to have it, and I have to wait and wonder if it will ever happen for me. It truly makes me feel as if he does not care for me at all, yes we have a child together and we are raising our other two together as well but honestly, what makes me not good enough to have this thing that I have dreamed so long about?! Maybe he will never see me a good enough. :( That is sad to me, but I cannot ever tell him all of this either because he will make up some false date that we sould get married, it will never be talked about again, and that day will like all the rest come and go. Feeling hopeless!

Hate

How can somebody hate you so bad, and not know who you are? I just don't understand how people can pass judgement on someone if you don't even know them and you're just speculating! Not only that but how can people who are supposed to know you think you would do something horrible? I just don't know what to think anymore about people I do and don't now. Guess I just have to wait and see, and just wonder what the hell is going on?

B.S.

Why do we constantly put ourselves in the same positions. We keep going round and round. But you never feel like you're doing anything wrong? I've never given you any reason to believe I was not 100% in this. You say things to try to make people feel stupid. Its not working there smart guy! Not only that, but promises aren't worth anything when they consist of empty words! You say I used to have a spark that seems to be gone now? Have you ever thought you were the reason I lost it? The other people who kept my head up were taken from me too soon! I miss them more when I feel less like myself!

Grrrr

I don't understand what I did to deserve hurt? I think other than mood swings from pregnancy I'm not too bad of a person. No I don't want you to work on my computer I want to be treated like a queen doesn't any girl? I want to be able to just lay and cuddle like we used to do. I want to be enough. I deserve to be unconditionally loved!

Frowning

I get accused of everything. And I get told how I think fighting or arguing is more important, I wasn't the one who came back in here to take cheap shots. I didn't tell you that complete strangers were more important than you because your always a b.... Yeah you didn't finish the word but we both know what you were going to say. Really sounds like someone who truely cares about the other huh. Emotional pain hurts the worst! Physical pain I can handle more.

:(

On Feb 1st 2012 we found out what we were having. The ultrasound tech said it's a girl. I never expected Derek to act the way that he did. It really hurt me. He has said a few things that Larry had said to me when I was pregnant with Paige. Now he is upset because he wants to change the baby's name. He said because he thought it was going to be a boy he never really took the girls name serious. I won't change my mind. I took every single one of our baby name conversations to heart and now he wants me to throw that out the window that isn't how things work in life. I'm just frustrated I know no matter what I am not going to budge so he better just get used to it. I love him very much but my daughter will have the name we agreed upon, I don't care if he didn't take it seriously... I did!

To do.

So I have a presentation to do today. Pretty much I just talk about the business I want to open. Did I ever mention I don't want to open a business! Ugh, Intro to Management is not a bad class, just sucks it's only about opening a business I'm not interested in opening. I have to dress up to do the presentation. Thankfully my mom bought me some nice clothes for when i started to get a belly. Thanks mom! Tomorrow is Feb 1st and I get to find out what I'm having. Now I don't know if Derek fully changed his mind yet about finding out but I think I can't wait any longer. I don't know we'll see tomorrow. Miranda is coming with us so I'm excited for that. This will be the first Dr. appt. I've ever had a friend come to. I get to have a baby shower this time too. I'm happy for that. My mom said she is going to throw it and have it at her house. So that makes me happy. There will be a lot of firsts with this baby that I didn't get with Paige which I think makes this pregnancy just as exciting as Paige's and that makes me happy to know as well. Paige will always be my first child! There is a bond her and I will always have because of that. She will always be my little baby girl too. She is just so grown up already I feel as if she doesn't need me anymore. I forget she is still learning things too. She seems super excited about this whole thing too. Just really happy today, oh and the baby is kicking the crap out of me this morning!

Smiling

Today has just been an ok day. After being stuck in my driveway for 5 minutes trying to get out of the mud when I did get out I got to go get my daughter from my parents house. My mom and dad helped me come up with an idea on how to move things around for the kids to make a nursery. Fuzz was being so different to me and it was the first time, but my mom swears that dogs know when you are pregnant. I know she is right because of how Akuma acts too. Just in a really chill mood tonight. I like it like this, plus my mommy fed me at her house. (My friends and I always eat when we go to my parents house, i think it's just ingraved in us to do so.) My relationship with my mom has grown to something amazing too and I really like it. She even brought up how she is going to throw me a baby shower. I never had one with Paige so I get to have one this time and I think that will be awesome. Plus Paige gets to be there and be a part of it with me, she will love that!

Good stuff

So Derek got all the military things fixed. Things are seriously falling together. He even said that since this is no longer lingering that it makes him more ready for us to get married one day. Yea it sucks the way things happened. Honestly, I think it happened for the best. Ok it shouldn't have happened exactly as it did, but it totally needed to be postponed. I just hope he's truthful with how he feels now. I really do believe we will be together for the long haul. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else. I just have that feeling that he is the person that I'm suppose to be with. It would really suck if he doesn't feel that same or if it doesn't happen. Plus we are about to have an amazingly cute kid in June. Paige is doing amazing in school too man life is just getting a little nicer as the days go on. Lets keep this streak going not only for me but my friends too now.

Bad news

I hate when my friends get news that shakes them to their core! I just wish I could help make things better faster. The one thing that I know for sure is all of my friends are strong and can make it through anything! They know no matter what I am always here for them and I'm only a call away. God please give all of us a break from the bad news, thanks!

Moving

This baby moves so much I find the need to walk the entire school before I go to class just so the baby calms down for class. As I'm sitting here typing this baby is kicking and punching me in my bladder. Doesn't feel too well but it also kinda feels cool to feel it move so much. I have my ultrasound in 6 days so I am happy for that. Derek also brought me home an I love you balloon yesterday because he was once again working on that computer all day long. He finally fixed it completely today so I was really proud of him! He is also working at the school so I hope he comes home soon so we can watch Real Steel. I rented the movie two days ago, we still haven't been able to watch it. It's already a day late too. :(  Paige's report card was ready today. She got all S's except in reading (which we are working on right now) and social skills ( she is like her mommy and talks alot!) But her teacher really believes she can improve a lot by the end of the year and doesn't see any reason as to why she would be held back. That is promising! She is also good in math another trait of our bloodline. It helps that Derek has an app on his phone she loves to play that has addition and subtraction.

Hurt & pain

Don't you love when you get told that someone can't spend time with you because they have tons of homework to do. Then all day long they fuck around with shit for other people, and sit at a fucking bar all day long. My heart hates loving someone who doesn't hold me higher then a piece of dog shit. I just want to fucking punch something right now. I hurt so bad and just want to cry but, I can't even bring myself to tears because I'm so mad. My blood is boiling like crazy, I really need to walk it off but I can't go outside because my daughter is sleeping. I have responsibilities unlike certain people I know. I'm so pissed I can't even stop to think about one thought right now so I just need to stop until I can calm down, if I can! Ok so I've been trying to calm down. It's not really working at all! My heart is hurting and it's pumping so hard because I can't calm down. I still need to try to calm down and I'm really having a very hard time right now. Grr!!!! Headache is kicking in now. Tensed up neck and back and shoulders. The people that should care, are proving that they don't! That hurts worse!

Grinding

So the past couple of days i have been driving and feeling a slight grinding. I didn't put two and two together until the other day, I guess my radio had been too loud so now even with the slightest touch I get a nice grinding noise. Guess who needs new brakes... This girl does! Thankfully my dad knows a lot about cars and people who fix cars. I called my dad and told him when I had called Monroe I should have told them that I was in a committed relationship, that way they wouldn't have tried to F*** me so hard when I asked for prices. He laughed and said told ya they would be outrageous. I found some good prices other places so hopefully we can get them done soon. I just worry for my kids.

Time in class

Class can be so boring. Intro to management I don't want to start a business so why do I need this class? That is all we talk about. I would just like to understand required courses. Trade restrictions and embargo I know these terms from highschool. Grr I just want my bachelors degree. Oh well the school says I have to take it so here I am!

Time since my last post.

Been really busy this weekend. Paige and I went to church Sunday as well. She loves Sunday school. So 6 days out of the week my kid has some form of school and she loves it. I guess I couldn't ask for anything better. I'm also getting excited because in one week and 2 days I go for my anatomy ultrasound. Things just keep going by so fast right now. It's already the end of January. Paige's birthday is the beginning of April and this baby is due in June. Wow this year is gonna fly by. I'm falling in love with the names we've picked more and more each day. It's actually starting to bother me that I'm not going to find out what I'm having. Derek decided to go to the appointment now too though so Miranda has to make sure he doesn't hear, hmm or if the ultrasound tech just accidentally says something that would be cool. I just want to know what to call this baby. I think it should learn it's name now. I would love to have a boy since we both already have girls but another girl wouldn't be horrible either. Either way they will have the cutest name ever. I just can't stop being excited. Had my ups and downs lately too. Just kinda been shut off a little, and Reg if your reading this man sorry just been in a funk. I'm sure you probably had that feeling cause you know me like that! I love ya man! Thanks for always being there. Things are looking on the up and up so smile big for me! Ok loves I think it's time for me to go get in the shower and get ready for class.

Stuff

I honestly had something on my mind and now I can't remember what it was. I guess that means it wasn't as important as I thought it was lol. The good news I have thus far is now for over 24 hours I haven't had to take any nausea meds. This is a good thing hopefully it means my morning sickness is gonna go away for good now. The baby is kicking a lot more now though, and loves to listen to music, especially Yellowcard and Rise Against. I cleaned all day yesterday so today I'm just relaxing the day away. Hopefully I can get to rest. I tossed and turned all night long from not being comfortable on the couch. Well maybe if I just wait a little while I'll be able to remember what I wanted to bring up. I guess until then I'll just go lay back for a little while.

Sadness

I have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not meant to have all the things I dreamt when I was younger. Certain things seem so far away and unobtainable now. I was so close to getting married but the man I was with didn't value me enough, and falsely led me to believe it was what he wanted too. Sadly mistaken! I guess things happen for a reason right?! It just means that i will have to face one of my biggest fears. Oh well I guess I might be strong enough to deal. I will have my children at least. So at least I get my family, not exactly how I pictured it but it's better than thinking I have to face all my fears right. I am afraid of during without ever being married. I'm afraid of dying without ever having a family of my own. I'm afraid of during without ever being truly loved. And I'm afraid of dying. Have to face too many of those to be happy. Just hope things get better sometime soon.

On my mind

Playing music with the headphones on my stomach so the baby stops kicking me. Hasn't worked yet. Just don't understand how things comes about. Just want things to get all better. I'm so exhausted, did a bunch of cleaning today hoping it would help clear my mind, that didn't work yet either. My daughter came home from her grandparents today though so I was excited to see her and give her hugs and kisses but she just went to bed. :(  I just want to know how long do you have to pray and hope and wish until things get better? Do things ever get better? I'm always thinking positively and now I just want to know when those positive thoughts will come back around to me? Guess all I can do is keep my head up, and push forward. I am a strong woman and I can do whatever I put my mind to.

To deal with!

No 4 1/2 months won't fixed what has happened. Things not only take time but you actually have to own up to what you did and try to correct it in the right way! I don't understand how people can expect you to get over something that is life changing in just a few months. If your acting a certain way and then stop acting that way to "try to change", and then revert back again. Yes, somebody will think your up to your old doings. Maybe you should get the electronics out from in front of your face so you can actually see whats going on. Stop accusing people of not doing things, because honestly your phone is in front of your face so much you don't get to see the things that are actually done. FRUSTRATION!

To read

Isn't it funny how most of us just can't help but want to read about another person? I'm writing this blog with very little people who can view it so far. I know that when I post it on a more public forum that I will start getting comments from people bitching and complaining. Honestly your opinion doesn't mean anything to me if your negative. I write this to get things off my chest. I write this to go back and read what has happened and hopefully I've learned a lot by then. If you are reading this then you took it upon yourself to open my blog and read it. So why complain? Advice is always welcome. My life may not be the most interesting, but it's my life. As messed up and upside down as it may be. I too myself read blogs and watch vlogs to kind of escape my boring day. Oh well hopefully there won't be too much backlash. Here's to hoping!

Excitement!

I love how things can change so quickly. Weather, Moods,... hair color. lol Today is just one of those days where I honestly feel as if things are going right for a change. Today feels like a great day. Have you ever just got out of bed and felt completely happy and content? That's how I can explain today. Now I am aware that as quickly as the day turns good it can turn bad, so I will enjoy this for as long as I can. Oh and the baby was kicking like crazy today, it likes music and will calm down while listening. As soon as you turn it off the baby will kick the crap out of me, I thought it was funny.

Happiness

We have been trying to figure out baby names, well, since we found out I was pregnant. It drove me crazy because Derek didn't want to know what we were having and I did. (No names picked and I had to plan something.) So it was killing me to think I wouldn't get to know what I was having and So I couldn't plan for the baby. We will be sending an ultrasound picture to his parents and mine. That way everyone else will know what we are having but us. I will find out at my babyshower, and Derek will find out when the baby is born. (I can keep a secret for about a month from him but longer than that he'll get it out of me!) Just knowing that we have picked names makes it so much easier for me to be ok with not knowing. (ok I won't lie, I still want to know but it's easier waiting this way lol.) We also went through a long time of picking a name we like and then, Derek wouldn't like the name anymore. I'm just so happy! Well needless to say if it is a girl her name will be Peyton. If it is a boy his name will be Nathan. I'm rather fond of these names. Yay!

Childs play

Why do children automatically cling to the person they know will give them their way everytime? It bugs the hell out of me when my daughter will want to be with a certain person because of what they let her get away with! I honestly feel like I need to start putting adults in check if they want to be around my kids. I know that this is going to continue through her whole life but seriously people if I put a rule down it sticks, if I'm around or not! I don't think it helps that I'm already tired and irritated from being pregnant, which I honestly try to control. But cut me some slack here, I need a little back-up. I guess this is the start of when your children rebel against you. It's sad can't she just go back to 2 years old!?

Work to do

I would love to work, but I also want to be able to put my all into this Bachelor's degree. Derek told me that if I want to be a SAHM then I should help him find something that pays better with good benefits. Is it wrong of me to want to help him with that so I can be a SAHM just until after I get my bachelor's? I have applied him for jobs, he has been applying for jobs. I just wish a company would give him a break because he didn't do what his ex claims. Ugh I just wish they could see the type of person he is without looking at a paper background saying he is someone else! Vent over!

On my bucket list

How many people actually get through everything on their bucketlists? I made one and I have so much traveling I would love to do! My daughter is almost 6 and I'm due in June I guess maybe if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant I would be able to get on that list a little sooner. I just honestly would like to know how many people make a list and then have the means to actually fulfill their list. Can someone just give me a million dollars please!? This way I can take care of my bucketlist and my kids lol. I know that will never happen, eh maybe I'll become famous for being normal! lol

Talent

Have you ever wondered why you weren't blessed with that ability to turn ordinary things into magic? Well I know someone who was. Reginald L. Seay Jr. had been at it since I've met him! Always tinkering with music and video games. Honestly he is amazing and there will be so much more from this guy! If you haven't heard any of his stuff you should. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Reginald-L-Seay-Jr-Fan-Page/292097370821183 That's the facebook page you can go to and follow to keep up with the miracle work this man down. His enhanced versions and remakes are just the start. He has made so many of his own songs, if you thought gamer music was good before wait until you listen to his stuff. You can put yourself into the movie or gamea nd pick exactly what you would be doing at those parts. Check him out!

Aggravation

I don't know what is worse, the sciatic nerve aggravation, or the complete disregard from my significant other for anything I like. I thought things were supposed to be 50/50. Maybe I missed the memo  somewhere! I didn't know that being with someone was going to mean all of my likes were forgotten. Do we ever go see the movie I want to watch... nope not anymore. Do we ever listen to the music I like... OH NO! All of my tv shows are the stupid ones. I think a lot of people watch reality tv so they can see that their life isn't the only one screwed up! Or maybe that someone else is worse off than they are. Sad isn't it, that we get by on the misfortune of others?! I would really like to know where my silver lining is? Even in movies where they don't get the job, or score the game winning point, they still end up having something great happen to them. I just want to know when that will happen for me. Many people believe that love isn't enough to get you by in a relationship. It can get you really far but if it is only one way it will never work. I guess the only thing you can do is keep your head up, push forward, and keep hoping for your happy ending. I'd settle with slight improvement. Maybe I do this to myself, maybe I'm just so damn optimistist. Eh we'll see!