Happiness

Things have been going good lately. Aubrey lost her first tooth, so that was very exciting. Derek and I have discussed that we allow Jessica's crap affect our relationship too much. Another thing that I have noticed is when he is working at Waffle House we are not affectionate with each other those days. I try to still be sweet to him because I know how much he dislikes goign to that place. I woke him up early with lunch (fish, pierogies, and tarter sauce) yesterday. Today I woke him up he took Aubrey back to Jessica and by the time he got back home I had a lunch packed for him and a sandwich waiting for him to eat so he wasn't hungry going to work. He even posted on Facebook how I packed 2 grannysmith apple applesauces in his lunch. His post read, "My wife packed two granny smith apple applesauces in my lunch. Thanks wife". I thought that was so sweet. I love you Derek Pounds! Peyton went swimming for the first time today. Really it was her in her bathing suit not going deeper thank her little baby hips. But she liked looking at her feet in the water, it was so awesome.

Quietness

I was under the assumption that Derek was ready to get married. He even said he was. Last night I asked him are you sure your ready to marry me? He hesitated for a long period, right yhen I started to hold my breath. Any hesitation means he isn't sure. Once he said yes, I told him the extreme hesitation scared me. His response was me too. We are now back to not getting married. I can't be mad because he was honest, but this hurts so bad. I don't even know why we are engaged anymore. We have been engaged for 2 1/2 years and he isn't sure about marrying me yet? Though he says he wants to, anytime it is brought up, he freaks and gets annoyed. Makes me wonder if we should even be engaged anymore?! Maybe we shouldn't be and when he is ready then he can actually propose. I don't know, I just truly feel as if no one will want to be with me forever, hell the person I've been with almost three years doesn't even want to be with me forever! :( At least he is a great father. I try to just lose myself in the baby so I don't have to think about it. It is really bugging me though.

Disrespect

I got Peyton's ears pierced today. She has little pink princess crowns. She did so well a lot better than Paige did, I was so proud of her! Unfortunatly Derek and I got into an arguement, He still talks down to me and it hurts because he should respect me more than that! It just hurts when the person you love, disrespects you. I even apologized and he talked as if I should have apologized first, he never feels he is wrong! I just want him to be respectful to me. I do love him.

To smile about

Watching Derek with Peyton, lets me know how truly amazing he is. I love to watch him with her, you can see how much he loves her. I fall in love with him more and more each day. He picked a wedding date as well. 5-5-2013. Cinco de Mayo, I think we can have some fun with the wedding favors. I should really be writing my paper but I had to write this instead. Things have just been good lately. I have also been making a giant effort to not get lous and yell or cuss if we get into little disagreements. I hope it is helping too. I want to spend the rest of my life with Derek. I'm starting to feel like he really wants that too.

:P

My baby had shots today, I felt so bad she cried really hard. But I love her so much. Her daddy came and got her so I could go to my Doctor's appointment. I love him so much, I'm glad we've been having really good days lately. I love when he puts his arms around me, I just feel so warm and safe, kind of like he would save me from anything. I love you Derek!

To change

This morning... well early afternoon, Derek took all the girls to Target. That allowed for me to get my homework in accounting done. It was so nice of him to do so, that I made it a point to have the dishes done before he got back. I also made the simply pasta salad stuff he wanted, and packed him a lunch for work. I just wanted to show him how much I love him. To be honest though it seems as if I'm always doing things to show him how much I love him, sometimes I wonder if he even feels the same or if he is just with me because I do everything for him. More of me says he is with me because he loves me, but a little part of my way down deep and far in the back thinks maybe I do too much for him. I know they are only little things but it is a lot of little things. Setting up the coffee pot each day washing all his clothes. Cleaning up all the dishes and things he leaves laying around. Packing him lunches, and then driving them to him when he forgets them everyday. Going to see him at work each day he is there, now that is as much for me and the girls as it is for him though, because i miss him like crazy and want the girls especially Peyton to have as much time with him as possible. Laying out his clothes for work, or even just his boxer and beater for him to take a shower and come to bed when he comes home. Like I said I know these are all little things but, a lot of little things add up right?! I dunno just kinda seems like he feels he is more important than I am, or just that he just doesn't care about what I have going on. Things that I do that upset Derek, he always tells me I need to change them. Or just in general "work on them". So tonight we had a difference of opinion, and not once in the phone calls did I get loud, yell, or anything. I did hang up the phone, but that was because I didn't want to yell, scream, or get into a huge fight. When he called back, I stayed quiet and listened to everything he had to say without interrupting. I want him to know that I love him so much that I am working on this stuff. I hate to jump around with topics, but I honestly still feel as if Derek is scared of getting married, and just doesn't want to do it again. Anytime I talk about maybe setting a new date and he kinda acts like he is on board but then after we talk about a few dates he then turns around and acts as if its too soon again. I don't know grr.

Ignorance

Have you ever asked somebody the question, where do you think you'll be in 2 years? Because I asked Derek that tonight, and his response was working at a good job, in a better house, and with me. But at the same time I wonder do you see yourself with me still stuck in the same place that were in right now? Not married just boyfriend & girlfriend because you're too scared to actually get married to me I'm not worthy enough for you to sign a piece of fucking paper! I don't understand how this relationship can be so one sided, and then he tells me that I'm always complaining about how I don't get certain things. Yeah I was supposed to get married last september to a person that I thought wanted to marry me but you decided that you'd rather cheat on me! Not only that but  5 months ago you went on dating website I was 5 months pregnant at that time how am I supposed to trust you anymore?

Unworthiness

How demeaning is it when the person you want to spend the rest of your life with tells you that they love you and want to marry you, but, they then follow that with I don't see why we can't do the whole ceremony thing and then just not sign the papers. Signing a paper isn't the whole point of getting married. Why is it so important to sign the papers. Well to be honest without signing those papers your not legally married, meaning, you cover yourself with your own insurance because we're not married you have to cover yourself. Oh when you fill out papers, yea you still mark the single box because your not legally married, because we're not legally married, if anything happens to one of us without a living will stating otherwise yea your parents or your family get to make all the decisions same goes for my family. Without being legally married my lastname and our girls' last names stay as they are. Not being legally married pretty much just gives you the right to walk around and continue to act as if your single because you didn't sign a fucking piece of paper. I'm not worthy enough for you to want to legally be married to me!? You say it's just a piece of paper, then whats so wrong with signing it if its not that important. Glad to know your unattractive, black hearted ex-wife was good enough for that stupid piece of paper but I'm not. I've been with you longer than you two were together, and 2 of the years you were still married you were fighting for the divorce and you were with me. If you want to do everything but the legality of it all we might as well just not even be engaged. Because we will never get married. You have made it completely clear that you do not want to be fully married to me, so when you say you do, or when you say you want to be with me forever... that's a bunch of bullshit! It sucks that I feel so strongly for someone who has on more than one occasion said that he is only in this relationship for the pussy! Your just rude and hurtful!

Helplessness

On June 12th 2012 I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl named Peyton Myranda. Though Derek and I have become parents together for this little one, our relationship still feels as if it's at a stand still. 3 years together and I'm still not good enough for him to marry me. Out of all the things I have to be truly greatful for I can't seem to get passed the fact that, he doesn't see me as his wife. Parts of me think I should give him back his ring and only accept it back when he actually has the intention of marrying me. Why do bad people and people unworthy of the miracle of marriage get to have it, and I have to wait and wonder if it will ever happen for me. It truly makes me feel as if he does not care for me at all, yes we have a child together and we are raising our other two together as well but honestly, what makes me not good enough to have this thing that I have dreamed so long about?! Maybe he will never see me a good enough. :( That is sad to me, but I cannot ever tell him all of this either because he will make up some false date that we sould get married, it will never be talked about again, and that day will like all the rest come and go. Feeling hopeless!